Help! I have feelings for him!!

What do guys really think about this?

I have pondered for a few months now about the predicament of a typical African Male/Female in the aspect of attraction cum relationship.
I will say I find the guys very lucky. You like a girl, you walk up to her, you say your mind, it is either she agrees or not, most times the ‘toast’ is not even a do or die affair. The laws and expectations are quite lenient.
I then must not fail to state that due to experience I have been able to ascertain that these laws and expectations should be dealt with according to how much one can accommodate or tolerate. The inability to draw the line actually causes a decline in mental health.


My thought process actually started from the girl liking the guy saga.
The guy has no idea and will probably never know how much the girl is ‘awake’ for him. Reason being that there is a moral and general expectation from the female gender as regards the expression of emotions, needs, feelings or wants.


Inasmuch as guys are also restricted with mindsets and training like man up, don’t cry, if you must cry not in public, the women are faced with a whole lot more.
Many times we have heard tales of how supposed love stories turn to platonic friendship stories because a lady did not show her true feelings which is usually due to training and mindsets instilled in the average African woman. Some have even been subjected to female genital mutilation so it becomes difficult to ‘flow’. It is all the same idea
Consequentially, she is often served with B.S in matrimony or even prospective marital relationship. Just like the analogy I always give to the people around me, imagine that a full grown man decides to pass faeces on the floor of his room, and as a good and submissive wife you are by default expected to pack the faeces, clean him up, then go to the market, buy oranges, get home, hard press the oranges, make juice out of it and serve him respectfully. The ancestors actually expect women to achieve this, after all, we are stronger in mind than them they say, but it seems they have forgotten that women have emotions too. Let me not even call it emotion let me say they have forgotten that women are humans too, they have a need and yearn to be treated with respect and care.


The most confusing part to me till date is that: assuming on the way to the market whereby the woman was to purchase the oranges she met a fellow man who is definitely more reasonable and responsible, he becomes concerned and because she is already emotionally drained, she unburdened her distress, gets empathy and true friendship,she will be termed an adulteress.
Let’s not even try to speak about how
infidelity is treated in Africa when it is coming from the man. It will be a great digression, that is topic for another day.


PS: don’t get it twisted there are great guys out there, remember that in my illustration the woman met a reasonable man? Ehn hen, thank you!

It is like I waited my whole life for this one night, it’s just you and I


The gender is also faced with the age thing, the woman must be younger than the man ‘buhaha’! It is definitely easier when the guy is younger and asking the older lady for a relationship, isn’t it all complicated when the lady is older rollingeyes
I don’t intend to break any table but the same ambiguity aforementioned goes for other restrictions that have been placed through tradition, especially the one that activated this thought process.


A friend once funnily defined tradition as peer pressure from dead people!!
So I decided to Google tradition, it says and I quote: “the transmission of customs or beliefs from generation to generation or the fact of being passed on in its way”
My question then is how do we reconcile it (tradition)with the changing world?
Some women are morally stable and upright, they do not want to be tagged stubborn or rebellious but the undeniable fact is that the world has changed.
I do not need to start a list of what it was then and what it is now. In fact the list is endless!
Interestingly I imagine a lot and in my imagination I put myself in the shoes of a woman liking a man, how do I even advise? Will I still say ah don’t go tell the guy you like him oh, he will think you are cheap,or I will say go girl it’s not a big deal don’t go on and loose on what could be yours!!
What do guys even think about the whole matter?

I see a beautiful destination ahead, come with me my LoVE😍😘


The truth is there is so much gap between responsible guys and girls that are looking for the real deal,that gap should consistently be worked on, they just seem to never ever cross each others path.


A good reason I appreciate platforms like truflutter, download the app on play store


and jeromeistalking (www.jeromeistalking.org)


Guys, can we have your thoughts please?
Ladies, I believe I am speaking your mind? can you share your experience or what you also feel or think…

reflectionsofAroHa

AroHaispeaking

www.arohaspace.org

 

www.arohaspace.org

Ifeoluwa

16 comments

Leave a Reply to Hitee Cancel reply

  • Quite interesting. As you said, the world is changing daily and expectations are getting different has the dead people move on and the new ones understand what is true and what works for them.
    To your question, more guys are getting open to ladies approaching them and personally I will feel better if a lady approached me because then I know there wouldnt be any issues when she is ready to move on. It signals to me that she has confidence and she is a goal getter.
    Not all men like goal getters or confident women but for those of us that like them, it’s a turn on.
    Time to run before I am caught.
    Lol….

    • U think it’s a turn on but I bet u the egocentric being called man in u can’t handle it. My tots🙂

  • tradition is peer pressure from dead people, I love this.

    As a guy, I might not have the authority to say the girl should go for what she wants, But also I would say she should not withdraw due to peer pressure and dead traditions.

  • Nice thought. And quite balance a story. If I get you right, the contention is still would it’s be out of place if as a lady u have feelings for a guy to approach him. My take is no, there are other ways using the woman tricks to allow him see the you in you and if he fails to believe me. He would always never see the good in you.

  • This is a great topic to be widely discussed!

    For everyone who had taken their time to read through the write up, I applaud but the question is; do we understand the limitations placed before us as Africans and the challenges that comes forthwith? If this question can be answered correctly with no sentiment(s). My approach to relationship in the past were different as I was so adaptive of many cultural ignorance that never worked for me not for a second, most especially when you get yourself reconfigured to a syndrome of these are my responsibilities while these are hers, rather than having a common goal and standing on the same or similar ground, who made the law that a woman can not express her feelings to man that she feels comfortable with, while introducing sanity into the society we should never forget the fact of starting on preliminaries and in that circle we have our “belief”.

    Furthermore, lots if people had been misjudged and misled into different turbulence and they are adaptively enduring the union as the imposed union has been made fruitful by our creator! Religion had destroyed more than the basis of acceptance, how we got them (religions) accepted and how we got them practiced, the impact and its reflections. Its an individual struggle that needs self implemented approach so as not be misguided again, what works for me may not be the best approach for you!

    #myperception!
    #newcomer
    #ilovethis

  • Women will need to free themselves from this cage. E.g. more involvement and participation in politics and other sectors dominated by men…

    Let us ,men and women create a new narrative,a new culture that will create a different kind of ‘peer pressure’ for the next generation..

    • Another interesting topic… In as much as I believe that it’s just one of the burden of our culture, I also realized that we don’t have an example of a lady approaching a man in the Bible.

      Ladies, I salute you all! Things as simple as telling a man I like you is a big deal in this part of the world so if you like a man, please let him know by other means. After all, verbal communication takes just 8% out of 100% in the effective communication.

      • Talking about an example in the Bible, remember the story of Abigail and Nabal?
        That’s probably close to the topic.
        Abigail approached David with a peace offering and called her own husband foolish….David eventually married her following Nabal ‘s death because of her actions…well maybe that’s a way ladies can let a man know too….i might be wrong though.

  • Don’t going guilt tripping, open up to the dude that you have feelings for him and if it doesn’t work out, its cool. Part of life lessons but hey, we are in Africa, African women will uptight things not knowing that YOLO.

  • I think the world is evolving , so should we . These days people should be free to express how they feel ( especially women ) like I’ve always said , I believe in spontaneity . Follow your heart . Because you heart never lies.

  • Ladies, please shoot your shot.
    It’s even backed with scriptures (for Christians)
    Nature knows no traditions.
    There’s absolutely no need hiding feelings for a guy you really like. If he is mature and the feeling is mutual, he would appreciate you for expressing yourself and who knows what that singular act could lead to.
    It’s funny how ladies do not want to get the same treatment that they give to guys.
    What if he turns me down? What if he takes me for granted?
    But same ladies have been turning guys down since 1900 and taking them for granted too.
    Our society has so much evolved. Things and times are changing and we must adapt to these dynamic culture.
    A reorientation is needed right from our homes & no one will deem it inappropriate to fully express the desires of the heart where it matters.

    Thanks for this great piece @Aroha

  • I think anyone should be free to express how they truly feel. Male or female. If we keep sticking to “TRADITIONS” we will never be able to let go of other people’s thoughts. Personally to me, if you have feelings for a guy, why not go for it. He either likes you or he doesn’t. This is how we can all evolve

  • First, culture needs to be rewritten with respect to modern times as a lot has changed to how relationships are defined these days and also the expectation from both genders.
    Secondly, women should drop the belief that there is anything wrong in telling a guy they have feelings for him cause he would never see all the signs being shown and those signs rather lead him to friend-zoning you.

    Fantasies are the only perfect dreams

  • Freedom is a gift, but a gift that must be managed wisely. Tradition has given us morals and expectations which is good as it cultivates how male and females, husband and wife should behave but it takes wisdom and courage to know when to apply them.

    Understanding in marriages between husband and wife in how to treat each other that will make both party happy can seem like a Taboo to others outside due to cultural beliefs and that’s ok as long has they are happy

    Our society needs to understand that every home is different and traditional is there as a guideline not a Must Do

  • Hmmm… all shades of awesome…
    Well in my opinion there is nothing wrong in a lady expressing her thoughts and feelings to the man of her dreams… The only thing that I feel could be missing is when the lady fails to assess the man to know if he is matured enough to handle it. Truth be told maturity is key but the most important thing is for the man or the woman to work on building capacity and becoming like the image of the man/ woman of their dreams. That way they would be able to attract the best man/ woman and the World would be a better place.

  • Interesting topic. I think the answer to this is not a one cap fits it all. Man know thyself. Some people are confident enough to express their feelings, while others are not. None is bad. If you can, fine go ahead and don’t allow tradition stop you. If you can’t, then employ the nonverbal way. Just be true to thyself.

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